Fear...
Oh! It's been a couple of days now since I last posted something. It's been hectic.Saturday: Work
Sunday: Went to Uppsala and the bandy final between Bajen and Edsbyn, got drunk and tired.
Monday: Tried to get prepared for the upcoming job intervue on Wednesday.
This job intervue brings me to the topic for the day: Fear.
What do I fear? Dying naturally. Death? Not really. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, I believe, I fear anything that would damage or sicken, with no possibilty of recovery, my fragile body. I fear even more that something similar would happen to anyone close to me, especially my family and my wonderful girlfriend. An instant death doesn't scare me as much, except if it would happen to me before it happened to my girlfriend. Hypothetically speaking, I would rather see my girlfriend die before me in our old age, just to spare her the grief and the pain of her experiencing my death. Is that weird, is that wrong of me? Does that make any sense? I'm very confused about this feeling.
Another thing that scares the living crap out if me is the step into the unknown. Everything about it makes me break out into a cold sweat. I can only calculate, predict or guess so much. I have no idea what the pros and cons will be if I get this job. I of course know some of the benifits and I understand something about what I have to give up. But the possibility of major negative consequences are huge, as is the possiblity of the positive ones..... GAH
I have no idea what will come.... I just know it's a step I have to take.
I love you Tessa, for not having to take the step alone.
posted by Niklas at Tuesday, March 21, 2006
2 Comments:
you're definitely not alone, mate. i don't necessarily fear death either, but like you said, but rather pain or agony. not to fan the flames of fear, but there is even one more aspect of the fear of dying that i think about every now and again. when you're old you've hopefully lived a fulfulling life with many experiences, but when you're (relatively) young there's still so much to experience and discover. if you die a not so sudden death at a young age, for any fluke reason, and are aware of this fact, then THAT must be excrutiating. it's probably not that smart to live according to the rule "live every day like it's your last" just for sake of it, but it's only when you know what's behind that statement when it's truly liberating.
Well I have sort of already come to terms with my own death. I accepted that I was going to die in a minute or two when I was young and went surfing. I lost my board and was unable and didn't have the knowledge to take me to shore (the currents was too strong). I would have died there and then if it was not for a another surfing coming up beside me and offering me his board while he, with his much greater experience, swam to shore.