The Struggle...

I've been silent for some weeks now, and what an eventful couple of weeks it has been. In my last post, I cherished the fact that I was an idler no more. I had a job, with descent pay and a descent work to go to every day. I wrote that post on the 9:th and on the 11:th I was fired.

I was fired under the pretext that I was uninterested and passionless about the job. Which I wasn’t, I really wasn’t. The true reasons were of a nature which could not be expressed directly to me, hence the cowardly phone call an hour after work on the 11^th telling me that I’m not welcome back.

I was struck down by the lies certain persons at work told my supervisor at the employment agency, which had provided me with the job. I haven’t been feeling well since, not quite any way.

I have had the means to become an idler again, but I didn’t take it. I took instead a crash course in anxiety management. I was angry for one day, sad for another, panic struck for a third, had extremely low self-esteem during the fourth. On the fifth day I resurrected and applied for a bunch of new jobs. On the sixth day I stood firm and held my own during a job interview. On the morning of the seventh day I stood inside the doors of my new work place. A work place with a history worth fighting for, a work place with nicer people, better pay and a much better contract than I had before.

To all of you who used to see me at my old job (Emma, Micke and Anne): I’m fine and happy… so damn happy to finally be out of school…

I’m happy again…

Has this experience left any mark? During the two weeks that has passed since I got my new job I have struggled with a paranoid feeling of not being able to trust my co-workers. A struggle I’ve seem to have surpassed brilliantly.

I’m strong again…

surfing the mind...

Last night as I lay in bed I thought of the most wonderful topic to write about. I structured beautiful sentences and lovely punch lines. The problem is, I can’t remember any of it. I’m totally blank. And I praise the fact that the problem is it self a topic worthy writing about, the wonderful sentences excluded.

I have always thought of myself as something of a daydreamer. But daydreaming seems to be the luxury of an idler. Daydreaming is very important to me since it’s through daydreaming I raise questions about society, form my opinions and ideals. It’s through daydreaming I blog.

Now, I can’t find the time, not during the day at least. After the lights are out, however, I have all the time I need to ponder and turn and spin thoughts. The result is dubious though. The most immediate consequence is that I lack sleep; secondly I can’t record what I have thought.

I can’t record what I have thought because I can’t turn the light on, pick up a notepad and start typing, even less use a recorder, without awakening my girlfriend. Furthermore, I always seem to push my luck. I greedily try to hang on to a seed of thought to see what might become of it. The seed is all I need though; I can water and fertilize it perfectly well during the following day. But no luck, most often I fall a sleep and wake up… blank.

I’m an idler no more…

What should I do?